The walls talk with… HR and where to find him

An HR in the corporate jungle?

 

Enemies and misunderstandings are a natural part of every ecosystem. When such times of turmoil and tension occur, someone has to act as a conciliator. The HR fulfills the role in question with strong determination and a bit of masochism. As well as that of a psychologist, teacher, office manager, legal counselor and event organizer. But don’t let that fool you – more duties rarely amount to a higher salary.

The HR occupies individual offices whose location is a peculiar geographical paradox. When a problem arises in another department, the affected employees instantly and unmistakably find their way to the nearest HR cell. But when it’s about organizing a strategic meeting or visiting a bar after work… Well, usually HRs are the last to learn about it. Science has not yet found an explanation for this strange phenomenon.

The typical HR representative thrives best in a detailed, planned environment where everything is on schedule. For his convenience, it’s a good idea to plan ahead of events that can disrupt the pace of weekly business processes. This includes (but is not limited to) birthdays, leaves, sick leaves, early morning team meetings, even your child’s first tooth falling off. Please keep your personal affairs in order and do not upset your local HR population with unreasonable requests due to unforeseen circumstances. Your wife can give birth without your presence in the hospital, right?

 

Sick leave by schedule

Sick leave is given only by schedule

 

If you encounter an HR in the wild, there are several distinctive marks you can recognize him by. Scratched nails, exhausted hair and gloom-prone eyes are among the most common features developed by younger specimens. After a certain length of service, a permanent state of apathy, broken in rare cases by cynicism or pessimism replaces these features. Your sense of humor is not welcome except during team building events and birthday parties.

The HR is particularly active during the breeding periods of other species. Any note, suggestion or comment with a sexual context during working time will be sifted, weighted and severely condemned, often leading to a misfortunate end. Tread with caution.

Do not try to gain the trust of an HR. He already knows what type of person you are, probably better than you know yourself. Your resume, professional contacts, email correspondence and worst of all – your salary orders – are at his everyday disposal. We recommend keeping a certain distance and conducting communication only in cases of extreme need. Or if you need to complain complain about that scoundrel who stole your juice from the office fridge. Again.

 


If you want to learn how to avoid regular meetings with HR representatives, just ask the nearby programmer to give you a few tips.

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